Ages and stages

Newborn to 18 months

When they are very little, babies can often have an awake-time in the evening. This can be hard when you're tired too, but like all the other stages young children go through, it does not last forever.

Babies learn through their five senses - give them lots of different things to see, hear, smell, touch and taste to help them learn about the world.

Babies cry when they need something. They will have unsettled times when they seem to cry more or are more difficult to calm. Over-stimulation, teething, increased appetite, or changes in their environment can all have an unsettling influence.

"Try to think of it as a short time in your child's life when they need you a lot."

You can:

• give lots of attention - your baby won't be spoilt by too much love
• respond to crying, although remember some babies have a little cry before they go off to sleep. If this happens every time they go to bed, wait a few minutes to see what happens
• check to see if their nappy needs changing or whether they're hungry, tired, too hot or too cold
• comfort your baby by holding and talking, or singing softly to them
• pop them in the pram or backpack and keep moving, or take them out in the car
• give them a nice warm bath
• give them to someone else to hold, especially if you're tired or starting to feel frustrated.

Note: If your child has a special need, they might take more time to reach the different stages or learn new things. They will still need you to set limits and boundaries, and give them lots of opportunities to learn. You can ask your doctor or Tamariki Ora nurse about people who can help with this.

18 months to two years

Toddlers want to do things for themselves and they want things here and now. They can get upset by changes, and are easily frustrated and bored. They start to talk, run, climb and test limits. They love being outside and going for walks. Temper tantrums might start around two.

You can:

• give your child advance warning if you would like them to do something: "When mummy's finished hanging the washing out..."
• balance independence with limits: "Sit on the floor and you can have your drink in a cup"
• look for things to praise, try not to pay too much attention to bad behaviour
• begin toilet training if your child shows an interest
• give limited choices. Ask if they want to wear the blue shirt or the yellow shirt - not which shirt they want to wear (it will be the one in the wash!)
• involve your child in what you're doing. Get them to hand you the pegs, or get the letters out of the mail box
• when your child does have a tantrum make sure they're safe, and try to ignore them. When it's all over, praise them for calming down. Don't tell them off.

"Let the housework wait if they need you now - give them that time."

Two to three years

Between two and three children begin to see themselves as separate and independent individuals. They're starting to understand ownership and will use words like "mine". They're more aware of, and interested in, other children but learning how to play takes lots of practice. Increased physical skills see them enjoying and sometimes insisting on doing many things for themselves. Crying, whining, hitting and even biting is still common as they learn to deal with their feelings and frustrations.

You can:

• always give them lots of praise
• take them places where other young children are
• give one instruction at a time - not a list
• give clear directions and be specific about the behaviour you like
• give them little jobs to do
• try to set a good example - your children copy what you do
• for important things, set clear limits and stick to them
• explain why you don't like something they are doing.

 "Talk lots - praise their talking."

Three to four years

Between three and four children are more able to recognise and express different emotions. They may feel pride, guilt or embarrassment. They're getting better at sharing and co-operating and even though they can see another's point of view problems can still arise if it conflicts with their own wants. They like to laugh, play silly games and enjoy pretend play. They like to practice their new skills like climbing, throwing and bike riding. They'll ask lots of questions and tell stories, some with a mix of the real and unreal. Although they feel secure with rules and routines, they'll still test the limits that are set. 

You can:

• thank and praise them when they respond to your requests
• use lots of phrases like "let's" or "how about we"
• be flexible when things aren't important
• if they say "no" change the subject or distract
• behave as you would like your children to behave - they'll copy what you do
• stick to limits and rules
• try bargaining: "When you pick up your toys we'll go to the park" (avoid ‘treat' food as a reward - your time and attention is much healthier)
• have calm-down times when there's trouble. Take your child to a safe quiet area, explain why they are there and that they can come back when they are ready to do what you have asked them to do. This should only be for two or three minutes.

"Say yes as much as possible."

"Pick your battles."

Four to five years

As your child gets older they'll play more co-operatively with other children and friendships become important, although there will still be some arguments. They will have lots of energy, enjoy adventures and try out new things. They'll be more able to persevere with challenges, even with difficult things. At times they can be overly confident and do enjoy talking about themselves. They will test boundaries and may try to get reactions from adults using ‘silly' talk or behaviour.

You can:

• be clear about what is expected of them
• give lots of praise when they try hard
• have rules and limits (not lots) and stick to them
• encourage your child to try lots of different things
• give them chores to do so they can show how capable they are
• be calm when you do have to discipline them
• support and encourage them to work out solutions to problems
• reassure them if they are scared or frightened - remember how you feel when you're scared.

"Try to say lots more positive than negative things."